If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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