So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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