Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
