that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
