I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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