dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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