Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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