So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
