Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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