I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize