U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
is it fun? or sober?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
