so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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