My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
