new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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