Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
