wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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