There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
