I puked a lego.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
