I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
