when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
