you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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