I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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