I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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