I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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