Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
