hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
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I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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