This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
