I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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