I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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