Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
