you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
