she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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