the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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