You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
