it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
