I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
