Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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