Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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