I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
