Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
