she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This toilet bowl is my home.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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