:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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