I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
