Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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