Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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