So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
