Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
