I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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