Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
