I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
