i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
