just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
