Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
