If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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