I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
