I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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