Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
